Why are Platypi great animals to take to lunch? Because they always pick up the bill!
(Awaits eye-roll and sigh)
No, no, it's not just a pun! This particular Baby Platypus is very generous! Though it once made a tidy sum in Sydney real estate speculation, a lack of pockets with which to keep it has limited the extent of his gifts to hugs and cuddles. Which is more than enough! 7 squishy inches of altruistic Australian! All new polyester fiber, ages 3 and up only!
In the past, you may be surprised to learn, there were no huge refrigerated trucks bringing dragonfruit to the Dakotas in December or coconuts for Christmas in Calgary! In fact, the only way to get most any fruit or vegetable in winter was to preserve it using traditional methods. Curing, canning and fermentation were your best bets for November nutrition in northerly neighborhoods! That, and pickling, the most salty of preservation methods!
Now that we have the machinery for moving melons to Maine in midwinter, our consumption of lye-cured fish and jellied shrimps has declined, but our love for the humble pickled cucumber has only grown over the years! Indeed, while we can get regular old cukes when and where we want, there's something about that satisfying, salty snap that makes you want to savor each scrumptious spear! So enjoy your climate controlled cuddles, you denizen of the present, you! 17 squishy inches of briney cuddles! All new polyester fiber, ages 3 and up only!
Walk or take my bike? Major in biomechanical nanomathgineering or picnic studies? Paper or plastic? I just can't decide! In a world where choices manifest at every intersection and opportunity, it's just so easy to...waffle!
That's where this particular Waffle comes in. For this Waffle does not waffle! It makes all decisions with the utmost confidence and resolve! YES, says the Waffle, I will spend all day reading a book in a sunny nook by the window! YES, I will slurp honey directly from the plastic bear! I will do all these things, and I won't look back! Because I want to be as resolute as a Waffle, and because Waffles don't have necks! 15 squishy inches of brunchtime do-er. All new polyester fiber, ages 3 and up only!
Shrimp Sushi breaks all the rules! For one thing, it's not raw! For another, it's technically not even a fish! Yet those aren't the only subversive facts about this delectable tidbit. For example, did you know that he once secretly rearranged all the books in his local library in spine color order? Everyone thought it was crazy until someone strolled through the door asking for "a good beach read in cerulean." Who's pointlessly random now, Dewey Decimal System?
7 squishy inches of sushi rule breaker! All new polyester fiber, ages 3 and up only!
Up there with skeletons, ghosts and vampires, spiders have long resided in the pantheon of scary that we use to signify Halloween! After all, what's creepier than a big arachnid spinning cobwebs in a creaky, abandoned house? A whole lot, that's what!
In fact, the spider is that house's last line of defense against bugs that are even nastier! They represent a healthy ecosystem, not a foreboding menace! So the next time you're required for some reason to stay overnight in the darkened gothic mansion up on the hill, don't let the webs spook you! And bring this cuddly little spider with you as support for the real ghouls…if you dare!
7 squishy inches of helpful non-haunter. All new polyester fiber, ages 3 and up only!
Ostriches, they know what's up! Forget the whole "head in the sand" thing, when it comes to all the world has to offer, there's no flightless bird more plugged in than an Ostrich! A great new series bubbling under the radar on some obscure streaming service? Ostrich has the scoop! Curious about new Squishable releases just around the corner? This Ostrich knows! In need of a cuddle with something soft and floofy? Ostrich is already two steps (waddles?) ahead of you!
7 squishy inches of beaks up! All new polyester fiber, ages 3 and up only!
Who's the grooviest, most far out quadruped dinosaur in the whole groovy Cretaceous period? It's this fella right here! That's because the thick armor that covers Ankylosaurus from head to tail is more liberating than the last day of school!
You see, those thick bone plates embedded in Ankylosaurus's skin don't just protect him from predators, they protect from worry! Sticks and stones won't break those bones, nor will callous remarks or underestimated abilities! Ironically, keeping everything all under a thick protective layer allows Ankylosaurus to let it all hang out!
Granted, this particular fella traded in hard scaly bits for soft fuzzy ones, but the attitude still stands! Hug an Ankylosaurus and absorb some of that devil-may-care-because-my-defenses-are-impenetrable attitude!
7 squishy inches of fiercely-shielded free spirit. All new polyester fiber, ages 3 and up only!
Say you find yourself in the Orinoco River in South America, AKA "the Portland of the underwater." Somewhere between the sunken record store and the aquatic boutique with the hundred-dollar bowties lies the best artisanal donut shop this side of the tide!
Piranhas know what air-breathing hipsters do not: there's no need wait in line all morning for an underwater donut if you can scare away the tourists! These fashionable fishies guard their favorite neighborhood haunts by developing a reputation as vicious flesh-eating river beasts! The tourists can't eat your donuts if all the tourists are in your belly.
Fret not: make friends with a Piranha for all the cuddles without the carnage! She may even let you in on where to find that awesome donut shop!
7 squishy inches of the safer kind of chum. All new polyester fiber, ages 3 and up only!
When people first see a Squishable, they often say, "Oh heavens, this is huge!" Well, not this one! Instead, you may hear, "Gadzooks! This Great Dane is of a completely reasonable size! If I have one of these, there will be room for me on the couch, which would not be the case with a real, full-sized Great Dane!"
Indeed, Great Danes are the majestic, gentle giants of the doggy world! The biggest one is over seven feet tall standing on his hind legs! If dogs played basketball, Great Danes would probably…play basketball! But given the surprising centrality of opposable thumbs to most sports, they stay off the court (they prefer snuggles)! So if you love all the love but not the whole "dinner served by the shovel-full" thing, this is the Great Dane you want! 15 squishy inches of big love. All new polyester fiber, ages 3 and up only!
“You are feeling sleeeeeepy! Very sleeeeeepy!” If you hear this phrase while sitting in the audience of a hypnotism show, this is where you should get a little nervous. Within a few moments you might be be cheerfully squawking like a chicken or wondering where you put your pants! Perhaps consider making a run for the aisles before you suddenly realize can’t get up at all (hey, who glued my backside to my chair??)
But if you hear this phrase in the presence of a baby sloth, it’s time to follow those instructions to the letter! Feeling sleepy is just what baby sloths DO! And no amount of hypnosis chicanery can change that! So snuggle a sloth while you nap, and know that there’s little chance of waking up with the urge to jump in the river every time someone says the word “Megalonychidae.” 7 squishy inches of Megalonychidae. All new polyester fiber, ages 3 and up only!
The Gingerbread Man is renowned for his daring escapes! This fine specimen of yummicus gingericuscan frequently be found fleeing famished families. Who can catch him? No one! He's the Gingerbread Man!
But what is the Gingerbread Man running towards?Look no further than his gumdrop buttons and shmancy bow tie for a hint! In between running as fast as he can, that gingerbread man is rushing to his day-job (his gingerbread house has a gingerbread mortgage to keep up)! When he's not involuntarily training for a 5k, he works for a non-profit that supplies frosting to overly-crumbly cookies! You're doing a great job, Gingerbread Man! Now if only the general townspeople would stop trying to consume you along your way!
15 squishy inches of Cardio Conditioned Cookie. All new polyester fiber. Ages 3 and up only!
What can colleges in California, Danish hockey teams and Australian footballers agree on? Bulldogs make great mascots! Obviously, they're loyal, strong and adorable...but there's more!
See, if you want to name your soccer team the Fightin' Trout, good luck getting one to stand on the sidelines! Considering calling your lacrosse team the Centaurs? I bet you haven't considered who will be at the front of your float during the victory parade!
Bulldogs: they're not just cute. They don't just love people and make great pets. They're real and they breathe air! 7 squishy inches of convenient canine. All new polyester fiber, ages 3 and up only!
Dough. Tomatoes. Cheese. A face. Three of these things are delicious to eat. One of these things MIGHT be delicious to eat, but doing so is not for the squeamish! It’s tough to munch down on someone who’s singing italian folk songs about the hills back in Napoli! So rather than test if you’d really be willing to eat a face that’s in the middle of warbling about how the moon hits your eye when you’re in love, might I suggest an alternate form of interaction? Cuddling this little be-faced pizza is a lot easier than munching it. 8 squishy inches of cute little face on cheese. All new polyester fiber, ages 3 and up only!
Feeling hungry? How about thirsty? What about bored? If you answered yes to any of these three predicaments, allow me to suggest a slice of Watermelon! It feeds you! It dampens you! It's...a very interesting fruit! That cold, crunchy, candy pulpiness, that fluorescent green rind! You can eat it! You can drink it! You can...throw it? Dance with it? Offer it to that cute guy or girl next to you? Whatever is going to reduce your boredom quickest!
17 squishy inches of aqueous melon. All new polyester fiber, ages 3 and up only!
FEAR THE PUMPKIN!
Sounds a little silly, doesn't it? Pumpkins used to strike fear into the hearts of passing neighborhood children with their backlit smirk! Now, Pumpkins are shorthand for the coffee flavor of choice for people who don't really like coffee! But hey, you've got to roll with the times, right? Maybe the reassuring comfort of a harvest-season gourd is just what the world needs during that most spooky of seasons! Take your Pumpkin out of the window and let it in your heart!
This is a Limited Edition design with hand-numbered tags from 1 to 1,000. Once they're gone...they're gone! 7 squishy inches of gourd! All new polyester fiber, ages 3 and up only!
To Bee or not to Bee? Let's talk about it! On the one hand, you could make honey, the only food that has all the substances necessary to sustain life (it's true!) You could pollinate fruits and flowers! You could have fashionable stripes!
If you pick the other option, not to Bee, you could do other stuff. Like conjugating Latin verbs or having dental surgery!
When you put it that way, I choose to Bee! 7 squishy inches of you bee-ing you! All new polyester fiber, ages 3 and up only!